It hurts. she said tears welling up her eyes. Why is loving him hurts this much? She asked a question which for a moment I knew I couldn’t answer. Betty is my close friend and that is why she came to me with that pain. I wish I knew things would turn up this way, I wouldn’t have gone there let alone loving him to start with. My heart wanted him. And that moment I saw him I felt I was the least person he had expected to see there but I showed up anyway. I enrolled myself among friends he had expected to see somehow. I could see pain in her eyes and as much as I wanted to say something to her, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t because that wasn’t the right time.
Hey sweet bananas Lily is here but this time with a story not mentioning her name. I know I’ve always written stories about my lifestyle but today I’m headed to wards the edge letting Betty stay in this little corner. When I heard her story, I couldn’t help but let Betty in.
Me showing up there was a mistake and the moment he set his eyes on mine words were writing themselves on his face. Betty you shouldn’t have come, Don’t you see I don’t need you, and I’m just fine without you. Lily it took him time to actually walk to me and say ‘you came, thanks‘ with a forced smile. Betty cleared her throat and with a fit of a cough, she fitted her behind on the coach to open even deeper. Her throat was clouded with mist of anger, bitterness, jealousy and name it.
I desperately wanted to see him because it was now seven months since I last saw him and I felt it was right for me to go; and when I felt it was I he needed most at that time I couldn’t help but but enroll myself if not as a girlfriend then as a friend. Him losing his mother left him with a big gap and a shoulder to lean on, a warm hug is all he needed. But when I was finally there he wasn’t my Pat. Pat isn’t his real name.
Have you gone inside? (Pat ment if I had viewed the body) ,and that was the first, and the last ,and the short conversion we had before he excused himself to attend to something, I think it was having a bath.
I was all alone now and seated on a purple plastic chair, I recalled what happened the last time I visited. It was around July, that previous year when I visited him. One, I wanted to see Pat ailing mother and two,I needed Pat to clarify something to me. I had questions to ask because I felt I was currying the heavier part of the York, while him the lighter. Or maybe he wasn’t currying the York at all. I mean, I was in that love alone
When I was next to his place I threw him a text telling him I had arrived.
Where are you, a text from him rolled back ten minutes later. I was standing by a famous river known only by the community around. I knew their home was close by and there were tall planted trees showing up their tips announcing presence of a homestead_and it was his home. When he learnt I was that close, he specifically ordered me to stay put at that very place.
I stood there among the bushes for what seemed like an hour before a text from him rolled again and this time asking me if I could remember the place we had met earlier.
Well, I’m sharp at remembering places and even if by any chance I had forgotten, how could I forget where we first made love. How I was shy and _how I never really wanted us to but thoughts of us not getting such opportunity had crossed my mind because it was a long distance thing. How could I forget that place where I felt I was freely giving love and of course I couldn’t have forgotten a place _where I felt it was right to actually let myself feel. How could I forget the place _where I tried giving him what I couldn’t give any man. How could I?
He was different when I saw him, something seemed to have been eating him up, it wasn’t his sick mother, no ,it wasn’t her. It was me. He was thinking of how he could get rid of me, how he could say it was heading no where and that there was someone else in the frame.
I noticed he didn’t welcomed me like he first did, he never walked along with me either.He led the way and I followed slowly from behind, we said nothing and when we reached the door he swung it open , no hi no nothing. I was hurt but I swallowed my pride and felt my throat being bruised as it pass to settle inside my stomach. I fitted a cough to make me composed but still I wasn’t.
When we were finally seated I started by asking how his mother was doing, to why he wasn’t picking my calls to I love you and I miss you stuff, you know how lovers meeting after along time would act? Yes it was like that. For her mother, she had gone for a function within the neighborhood; an answer which seemed as an excuse so I couldn’t insist on seeing her. She was sick, remember. And about not picking my calls he gave me an answer which betrayed his eyes; it was cooked up, obviously. I cried when I felt things were not in place but he simply pulled excuse of being busy with house chores and when I offered to help he pushed me away
You know what he told me Lily! She wipes her tears then smoothened her hand on the hips. Pat said I shouldn’t care too much. He pushed me away from his life that day. He tried explaining with his actions but I couldn’t stomach the fact that I wasn’t the woman after his heart.
Can we take a brake for a year? He had asked after prolonged silence.
And it took me a double silence to say something, a NO.
No. I don’t want that I told him. Deep inside I knew a brake was a brake up sealed in an envelope such that you don’t know what is inside until you read it. I didn’t want that brake because I would look bad when I left at that time. That time he needed somebody badly, a shoulder to lean on. Yet another reason was I love commitment and if it was him, it was him and no one else, in bad and good times. I even thought he was testing my love for him.
Betty says even after suspecting he loved someone else she couldn’t take it in and instead believed Pat was deliberately pushing her away become of her sick mother. Don’t care too much, these words had entered Betty’s ears deafening her. She just wanted to be there for a man she loved. She wanted him to open up to her. But he pushed her away instead
What hurt even more Lily is when he told me to take care of my pregnancy in case I became pregnant, that he wasn’t himself, that he wasn’t ready to be a father and that he wasn’t sure If he’d gotten me pregnant. I wasn’t though. I was Lucky, Lily.
Betty was tearing up as she utter those words, one by one, and in sequence such that I could feel the intensity of her pain.
I was Lucky. She repeated it again this time with a pale smile.
And yesterday, yesterday when I saw how he looked at her, I confirmed my fears. He gave her that exact look I’ve always given him. It was her he loved. I felt a sharp pain tingling inside me. It was as if someone was slicing my intestines with a hot blade until it became numb. Yes, numb.
Pat noticed I was hurting somehow and got himself busy on his phone; he was probably playing a game, it appeared. We were four that evening, his best friend, this girl and so was I. I remember the only thing I could do was smile and a little of soft humming. So I kept on smiling and pretended to be okay. It hurts to love someone who love someone else and that feeling I can’t explain.
She couldn’t explain. She was hurting.
Betty turned herself facing the other side such that I could only see her back and a glimpse of her side face. She was hurting, she was tearing and she was breaking and she was everything you can think of.
I reached for her, hugged her from behind as she dragged her ragged breath irregularly, I whispered something into her ears and I was surprised she calmed softly. Deep down I was happy that boy of a man left because just as Betty I have tasted that feeling. That’s why I calmed her down with just a whisper.
And I know by now you are probably wondering what I whispered into her ears. Well, sweet bananas I simply told her ‘I can explain that feeling‘ .
Yes it feels like you are the only person who should be loved by him. It feels like you are the only one who should love him and it feels like no one can love that person but you. It haunts like you should beat that beauty of a girl he loves and if not, then the ground should open up, swallow you up. You simply can’t stomach watching him love someone else and then again in front of you.
And here come the juicy happy ending when months after the incidence with Pat, Betty found love and as if that isn’t enough, she got a ring on her finger. Engaged? Of course yes and the wedding is due next month and I was the fist guest to be invited according to Betty. I’m happy for her but what makes me even happier is that Pat left. If he hadn’t then who knows ,Betty could have been still holding onto him. And he would be holding onto some girl and the result wouldn’t be what it is now.
Betty finding love after enduring that toxic relationship with Pat is something that should motivate you to leave that relationship because you might just as well be in a relationship alone and you think your lover is in too. This is what pushed me in sharing this here, in my little corner. I want you to know that I was happy that he left. Betty my friend if you are reading this I want you to know that Lily was happy that he left. Pat, should you stumble upon this piece of Lily’s I want you to know that I was happy when you left.
Hey not you sweet bananas,
I want you to stay for more,
like How I met France.
And maybe you are here and you are wondering how to drive traffic into your blog. Worry not because jetpack is here just to do that on your behalf. Till next time.