Today I want to talk about it.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I would say. How my heart got broken for the first time is something I never wanted to share because that feeling was the worst feeling ever. And I didn’t know how to tell it so someone could feel what I felt. I don’t know why I want to talk about it now, I simply want to talk about it.
I was only 17, young, timid , naïve, and name it. I was in my last year in high school and I had to study extra harder, get those good grades and join campus, as people would say.
“Lilian, you’ll be sitting for an exam very soon focus on your studies,” my parents would say whenever they noticed I wasn’t as much serious with books as I used to before I knew love. I stopped waking up for morning studies during my holidays, I neglected house chores and my eating habits changed. The only thing I knew best was coil in my bed and deny my intestines its right. I faked sickness until I felt sick. My body started wasting away day after day and I started talking less until I wanted to talk to no one but me.
I remember that night like it was only yesterday. Everything stopped, smile disappeared from my face, my mouth a gap and a sharp pain sliced through my body as if a hot blade was cutting through my intestine numbing it till I felt nothing; my throat was heavy with some mist like mass which dried up quickly and every part that wasn’t hurting stopped yet the only part that was hurting didn’t. Yes, my heart continue beating even after I had read the message.
I never had a smart phone those days. I can recall having a small black phone with black dialing buttons. Now, when I was about to read the message I noticed something different with the envelope icon indicating a new message, instead of the everyday white envelope on the top right, It was white envelope of course but this time a red cracked line, zigzag like cut across it vertically. You know that crack which is always put on a love symbol to indicate heartbreak? Yes it was that same zigzag line and it came red on a white envelope. Well, at least it warned me the envelope was up to nothing amazing.
‘Lilian Elvis loves you and I’ve seen that in his eyes.’ Read the text.
He wrote a long paragraph. I can’t remember some lines, I can’t recall some words but that line was always in my head.
Elvis is the cousin of the man who broke my heart. Now, that man, let’s give him a name, Dan , there, yes Dan and the day I met him was my best date.
I was in this white Cinderella skirt with a black blouse which had hugged me giving me that shape I actually had. My blue sandals were simple with jeans lases , my hair was thick black and shinny and I was a little thicker compared to now. Eunice Father had passed on and that day they buried him, I met Dan.
I tagged along with my mother , Eunice is my friend and I had to be there for her. I occupied a seat and I can’t recall what happened and why I had to stand up from my seat but whatever it was I loved it because that was when I saw him. He was busy capturing the moment with this small camera and his laptop was folded in his other arm. I looked at him until I felt he actually saw me. I didn’t know how it felt to fall in love but, that day when I saw him I knew I had fallen for him. He triggered something , something that no man had ever triggered.
I just want to come clean here sweet bananas, I’m not sure he saw me, however I’m sure he saw me when I was standing with Eunice discussing something which I can’t think of now. He looked at us and then looked again and then he signaled Eunice and then he insisted I should tag along.
He started by asking Eunice how she some questions but my eyes were on Dan all that while as he talked to Eunice. I didn’t even noticed his cousin Elvis. Someone singled Eunice out and I felt I had to go back where my mum was waiting but Dan insisted I should keep them company for a little longer. He wanted to know more about the place from a native view. His eyes met mine and for a moment I didn’t want him to look away. His eyes were big and white and I thought he was all perfect.
His English was well spoken and he was talking faster that somewhere in between the conversation I would ask him to repeat what he said. It was sexy to me so I kept looking inside those eyes which were seemingly piercing through my heart reading some words only him could tell.
Dan was a third year student at Kenyatta university and Eunice’s Father was his uncle. He noticed I was a little uneasy around so he started by asking questions from what class I was in to what subjects I loved and to the ones I was weak at to the course I’d love to do in campus. When we were now comfortable he started opening up about his mother who was from that place and how he love the place and our conversion was cut short with the burial proceedings. We parted with the intended said words not said, like can I have your contact or can I see you again later.
Thoughts of him searching through me haunted me day and night till the day I met Eunice and when she told me Dan had left his number, and that I was to call him, I was glad. But I didn’t know what started from a single phone would broke me the way it did. Days later he called and sometimes I would call. Weeks and months passed we were fine and I met him again during the holiday. Then things changed.
There was silence and after silence It was I calling, at times he would pick but other times he would ignore my calls. And when I sent a text I would wait for days or maybe wait forever. That day I got a text from him, I was happy he actually texted me after all. I said to myself he loved me way too much to just ignore me. Little did I notice the weight that message had carried along , how it would completely shatter me, and how it would broke me.
That was the day I felt my world come to an end and that was the date I knew my tomorrow was not going to come.
Earlier, before Dan broke my heart Elvis came to my home church and when I saw him I was so happy because I wanted to ask about Dan. Where he was, how he was doing and whole lots he could tell me about him. When the gathering was over he tagged along up to my home as he tell me everything, how Dan never loved me, how he was seeing another college girl, how Dan said what and when. It was Dan this Dan that, I felt I was always in their conversation so I changed the topic, because I was hurting. I cooked him some fried fish and we went plucking vegetables in our garden. That was all, in my day with Elvis .
However, when he got to Dan he told him how I spent a night with him, how we kissed , how I cooked him food and other many lies I wasn’t told. I was told how he would boast I loved him and that again was being said in Dan’s presence. When Dan saw how Elvis loved me, when Dan realized he had to make Elvis happy, when Dan realized he had to let me concentrate on my studies, he sent that message without realizing how It would make me feel. I was shattered. Thoughts of loving someone else but not Dan broke me.
That night I coiled in a small corner of my bed and only my pillow could tell how much it had soaked. I cried and if at all I slept, then it was only for a few minutes. Or maybe I never slept at all. My eyes were swollen the following morning, and my face was somehow deformed. I wanted to be left alone and to tell you the truth, I thought I would die.
Several days I was still hurting, several weeks I was still hurting, yet several month I was still hurting, and for five years I was still hurting. In between the five years I tried to love but after a few weeks I couldn’t fake my feelings. I deleted his number from my phone but I had it on my head. I saved it again and deleted it again until I couldn’t delete it anymore because I wasn’t hurting anymore.
I don’t regret Dan broke my heart because it was him who did it, and I loved him. I mean I was hurt by the man I loved and as a result he made me know how it feels when you are in love; and should I feel that way again then it will be love.
And today, today my heart has been freed after talking and with hopes written on my sleeves that one day, or anytime soon, someone will walk into my space and change nothing. He will come and make me feel what I felt seven years ago for Dan. He will fill that void that has never been filled all these years. Today I talked about it.