You hate you

I didn’t know how it would feel. I couldn’t guess how it would taste. I didn’t know how it would smell either.

Up until now I couldn’t figure why forgiveness wasn’t my thing, I couldn’t forget neither. But now, after forgiving myself of that crime I committed several years back, forgiving is easy, letting go is nothing at all.

I used to be bitter when you wronged me. It used to hurt me a lot.And with a clear character I possess, I wouldn’t hide my current status behind my face. It would be hanged out for everyone to see.

I mean, I can’t fake a smile, I can’t force a tear.

Then in  one occasion when I tried smiling at a lady who had hurt me, I felt pain inside me. It was piercing sharp through my intestines. It started with large then to small intestine. The pain was unbearable, it was both sharp and numbing. It was as if a hot blade was placed onto my skin so long enough that my body unquestionably  turned off the receptors.

And when I took a breath, the air came through my nostril like a breath taken under water-that breath you take when drowning. I hated that feeling.

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But one Saturday ,of all  Saturdays, of all  days have spent on this earth, everything changed. It was all about forgiveness and forgetting in that sermon.  After service what echoed on my head was forgiveness, and  seven hours later,seventeen hours after, what echoed on my head was letting go .

It was then I felt guilty of not forgiving, of not forgetting.  I hope you’re still listening to me.Even up to this moment as I write this article, I  still feel she was talking to me. I mean the pastor. “There is still someone who needs to come,” she called upon those who were enslaved by unforgiveness. I knew she was talking to me, I felt it, but still, I didn’t walk to the pulpit.

I’m not that kind of a lady who needs recognition or with courage to walk amid congregation. I don’t  like  attention, and besides, I knew God had known my repentance, I  didn’t have to walk to the pulpit to show how remorseful I was. It was in my soul, not my body.

I knew I was a victim of circumstance. I knew everything. I was my enemies slave. I remember how I would walk out of a room when an enemy gets in the same room, or  how  I would sit back but talk less as I would when they were not around. I would quickly change my direction and intentions when I met them. I didn’t want to be a slave anymore.

Untying myself, I had to forgive myself first. I had to deal with internal forgiveness before external forgiveness. In all, you should clean your garments before doing the same to someone, or cleaning the dirt in your house before helping someone do the same to theirs.

I started by loving me, to sharing  with me, to consulting  me, to cancelling me ,to asking forgiveness from me, and to forgetting what me did to I.

That day everything was done I found joy I didn’t know existed, I felt peace of mind and breathed fresh air with ease.Everything around had welcoming aroma only my soul could explain how.

But the best feeling was when I realized pain, discomfort, disappointment enforced to me by those my old self considered enemies were my utmost blessings. I couldn’t see then but I see now.

Now that I know this feeling, now that I can guess how it tastes, and now that I can smell its aroma as well, I’m not letting go.

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